It's different this time. Being married to someone that I've disclosed my innermost secrets to--before we became lovers--this set the stage for honest dialog.
We're married for more then a month now. I've stayed sober sexually and I've actually been working an OA program since before the wedding.
My biggest concerns these days include balancing my personal commitments to my wife, my kids, and my religious lifestyle with recovery commitments and commitments to work.
Gratefully, I've been going about it with a 'progress, not perfection' mentality and it's served me well.
Hence the short post and the need to get back to work. I've many things to learn about marriage as a sex addict in recovery, but one thing is for sure--it's much easier to be married while living a life of sobriety...
Friday, June 26, 2009
Monday, May 11, 2009
The Sex Addict and the Slow Fast
Man o Manischewitz that fast sucked.
I had my last meal around 2am Sunday and didn't eat or drink a thing until 920pm Sunday night at the airport. I had a full day of going to synagogue for prayers, did some learning of some material relevant to the upcoming wedding from a Chassidic Sage (Maamer Lecha Dodi) and did a ton of laundry, much of which I ironed and packed.
I also talked to a bunch of friends, family and recovery folk prior to my departure, and even stopped in at a community dinner when I saw my childrens' mother's wigged head bobbing around, prompting me to run to see the kids for a hug and a kiss goodbye--an extra bonus for me since I was going to spare her a phone call to the kids as my mother's day present to her.
Unfortunately, I think everytime she sees me she gets a little bit of puke in her mouth, but what can I do? I want to see my kids.
That reminds me. I called her on Friday and told her that I was sponsoring the 'Kiddush' (luncheon) at the synagogue in honor of my upcoming marriage this Tuesday night and I gave her the option of not showing up to the services or meal if she felt uncomfortable, which would be understandable. I thought it was a courtesy that, although unnecessary, was reasonable and my rabbi thought so too.
She showed up to the luncheon and I was asked to say a few words.
For anyone who has followed this blog from the early days, they know that I am a smart a** and that I have a sense of humor, or at least I think I do. They also know that I know exactly what to say to make my Ex get the puke to come into her mouth immediately, albeit that she's 8 months pregnant.
So they give me the floor and I start out by saying thanks to everyone for being there and it's an honor to be getting married again. 'Everyone should try it at least once. Maybe even twice or three times, G-d forbid'.
It got a few laughs, a few groans, and I didn't look for her response. Afterwards however, she looked physically sick as she walked past me and didn't give me her usual plasticine smile saying "Hi Daddy" when she walked by with the kids.
The book "The Four Agreements" says don't take things personally, so perhaps she had just eaten a bad snail (which isn't actually kosher but you get my drift), but it's hard for me not to go there sometimes.
Anyhow, I did actually make it to the airport last night two hours early, as opposed to the last time I flew to the Midwest when I missed my plane and paid $1500 cash for a last minute ticket. That bit...
At the moment, I'm sitting in a Starbucks waiting a few hours for my Mom to get here from another city and then we'll go together to our hotel to freshen before going to dinner with my future inlaws.
Tomorrow, the plan is to isolate to read Psalms, pray, learn Torah (Bible) and then to go into my third and final marriage with the best possible spiritual readiness that I have had of the three.
The difference this time is absolutely stunning from my perspective. I'm in recovery for sex, alcohol, and food addictions and I've completely disclosed to my spouse to be. I have concerns about her own stuff, but I have been able to let the go for now and let her own that.
I pray that I can continue in my recovery, that she and I may grow together as a couple, as individuals, and that G-d willing we will build an everlasting edifice built on the principles of Torah and Mitzvahs (Bible and Commandments)...with the help of our Higher Power, the Al-mighty...
I had my last meal around 2am Sunday and didn't eat or drink a thing until 920pm Sunday night at the airport. I had a full day of going to synagogue for prayers, did some learning of some material relevant to the upcoming wedding from a Chassidic Sage (Maamer Lecha Dodi) and did a ton of laundry, much of which I ironed and packed.
I also talked to a bunch of friends, family and recovery folk prior to my departure, and even stopped in at a community dinner when I saw my childrens' mother's wigged head bobbing around, prompting me to run to see the kids for a hug and a kiss goodbye--an extra bonus for me since I was going to spare her a phone call to the kids as my mother's day present to her.
Unfortunately, I think everytime she sees me she gets a little bit of puke in her mouth, but what can I do? I want to see my kids.
That reminds me. I called her on Friday and told her that I was sponsoring the 'Kiddush' (luncheon) at the synagogue in honor of my upcoming marriage this Tuesday night and I gave her the option of not showing up to the services or meal if she felt uncomfortable, which would be understandable. I thought it was a courtesy that, although unnecessary, was reasonable and my rabbi thought so too.
She showed up to the luncheon and I was asked to say a few words.
For anyone who has followed this blog from the early days, they know that I am a smart a** and that I have a sense of humor, or at least I think I do. They also know that I know exactly what to say to make my Ex get the puke to come into her mouth immediately, albeit that she's 8 months pregnant.
So they give me the floor and I start out by saying thanks to everyone for being there and it's an honor to be getting married again. 'Everyone should try it at least once. Maybe even twice or three times, G-d forbid'.
It got a few laughs, a few groans, and I didn't look for her response. Afterwards however, she looked physically sick as she walked past me and didn't give me her usual plasticine smile saying "Hi Daddy" when she walked by with the kids.
The book "The Four Agreements" says don't take things personally, so perhaps she had just eaten a bad snail (which isn't actually kosher but you get my drift), but it's hard for me not to go there sometimes.
Anyhow, I did actually make it to the airport last night two hours early, as opposed to the last time I flew to the Midwest when I missed my plane and paid $1500 cash for a last minute ticket. That bit...
At the moment, I'm sitting in a Starbucks waiting a few hours for my Mom to get here from another city and then we'll go together to our hotel to freshen before going to dinner with my future inlaws.
Tomorrow, the plan is to isolate to read Psalms, pray, learn Torah (Bible) and then to go into my third and final marriage with the best possible spiritual readiness that I have had of the three.
The difference this time is absolutely stunning from my perspective. I'm in recovery for sex, alcohol, and food addictions and I've completely disclosed to my spouse to be. I have concerns about her own stuff, but I have been able to let the go for now and let her own that.
I pray that I can continue in my recovery, that she and I may grow together as a couple, as individuals, and that G-d willing we will build an everlasting edifice built on the principles of Torah and Mitzvahs (Bible and Commandments)...with the help of our Higher Power, the Al-mighty...
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Today Sex is Acting Out. Tuesday Sex will Be and Obligation
I'm drained. I think there's a fairytale side of people's minds that likes to believe that the days preceding one's wedding should be amongst the happiest of your life.
This will be my third marriage.
It's loaded with many firsts however.
It's the first time I've fully disclosed to anyone that I'm a sex addict and that I have multiple addictions. She knows all of the most shameful aspects of my addictions.
It's the first time I've been married as an Orthodox Jew. I'm by no means perfect at it. Far from it as a matter of fact.
It's the first time I am actually afraid of going forward with the marriage, not because of the person I'm marrying or because of my fear of screwing things up, but because I'm overwhelmed by my sense of responsibility of what it means to be married and my overwhelming fear of having to do the right things all of the time.
That's where the 12 steps and my Higher Power come in. It's still one day at a time. I still cannot and will not do it alone. As long as I realize that, I can go forward.
This last several weeks I've been working my new job and learning all of the ways not to do it so that when I live with my new wife, I can come home to her at a reasonable hour and spend quality time with her.
The most important lesson learned since I've started this work is that I too easily slide into the old habit of staying up late, working late, putting off things that should be done at work instead of at home or on another work day, and then I sleep late the following morning due to fatigue.
I also learned that my techie toys that I was so excited actually slow me down. At least for now.
If I could solve just the issues of using my time more wisely, wake up earlier, and come home earlier, I'd be a lot happier and healthier, I think.
It's past midnight here on the Northwest coast. I have plans to fast on Sunday as a spiritual cleansing usually reserved for the day of the wedding, but since it's also a Jewish Holiday this year, I have to do it Sunday or Monday. I also have to pack my bags for my week long trip and finish up some odds and ends like laundry and cleaning up the condo a bit.
I feel incredibly tired though.
I have had so little time to myself in the past six weeks. I didn't take care of myself physically the way I should have and it's affected me emotionally.
My food program is staying together thankfully so that's a good thing. But that's going to be a bit of a challenge this week to, being out of town, going to a bunch of parties with a lot of food available, and my lovely fiance is a great cook and she likes to push the food on me as a show of affection I think.
I'm just going to keep on keeping on, as they say. I have full faith that the One Above will help me stay on the Path.
Thy will, not mine, be done....
This will be my third marriage.
It's loaded with many firsts however.
It's the first time I've fully disclosed to anyone that I'm a sex addict and that I have multiple addictions. She knows all of the most shameful aspects of my addictions.
It's the first time I've been married as an Orthodox Jew. I'm by no means perfect at it. Far from it as a matter of fact.
It's the first time I am actually afraid of going forward with the marriage, not because of the person I'm marrying or because of my fear of screwing things up, but because I'm overwhelmed by my sense of responsibility of what it means to be married and my overwhelming fear of having to do the right things all of the time.
That's where the 12 steps and my Higher Power come in. It's still one day at a time. I still cannot and will not do it alone. As long as I realize that, I can go forward.
This last several weeks I've been working my new job and learning all of the ways not to do it so that when I live with my new wife, I can come home to her at a reasonable hour and spend quality time with her.
The most important lesson learned since I've started this work is that I too easily slide into the old habit of staying up late, working late, putting off things that should be done at work instead of at home or on another work day, and then I sleep late the following morning due to fatigue.
I also learned that my techie toys that I was so excited actually slow me down. At least for now.
If I could solve just the issues of using my time more wisely, wake up earlier, and come home earlier, I'd be a lot happier and healthier, I think.
It's past midnight here on the Northwest coast. I have plans to fast on Sunday as a spiritual cleansing usually reserved for the day of the wedding, but since it's also a Jewish Holiday this year, I have to do it Sunday or Monday. I also have to pack my bags for my week long trip and finish up some odds and ends like laundry and cleaning up the condo a bit.
I feel incredibly tired though.
I have had so little time to myself in the past six weeks. I didn't take care of myself physically the way I should have and it's affected me emotionally.
My food program is staying together thankfully so that's a good thing. But that's going to be a bit of a challenge this week to, being out of town, going to a bunch of parties with a lot of food available, and my lovely fiance is a great cook and she likes to push the food on me as a show of affection I think.
I'm just going to keep on keeping on, as they say. I have full faith that the One Above will help me stay on the Path.
Thy will, not mine, be done....
Sunday, May 3, 2009
Wack a Mole: The Sex Addict tries his hand at tackling Food Addiction--Again...
Remember that game at the summer carnival with that big 'ol hammer you hold, trying to hit those little plastic moles popping up out of the holes? Each time you hit one, you score some points, but then another one pops out of another hole.
That's what addiction is like for me. I tackled some of the compulsive behaviors I've faced over the years that were most harmful, like the Internet porn addiction, the compulsive spending, the really, really bad compulsive eating, and the compulsive use of prostitutes and pornography.
But there's been this smouldering level of overeating that's been ongoing since forever, no matter what period of my life I've been in. I've gain and lost hundreds upon hundreds of pounds over the years, many of those times were literally all at once.
Let's see--early college years, I lost about a hundred pounds. I gained it back during the first marriage and when I got divorced and started seeing hookers.
I lost a hundred pounds when I stopped seeing hookers and became a more observant Jew and met my 2nd wife.
I gained and lost fifty pounds at least twice in the first few years of our marriage from binges and then fad diets.
From the time we decided to move to the Northwest to my heaviest, I gained another hundred pounds--over about a year's time--and since then I've only lost about forty of it.
It's stayed on partly because I work out with weight a little bit and so that keeps the heavier muscle mass on me, but primarily, it's because I eat more than I need to, so I maintain about 290 pounds of body on a skeleton that should have about a total of 175 pounds around it.
Lately I've been going to OA meetings and I actually have my most successful (sobrietywise) SA sponsees as my OA sponsor. He's coming up on two years of SA sobriety and he has lost about a hundred pounds or so in OA and that's inside of a year.
So now that I've started following abstinent meals and planning my food for the next day, I've discovered the 'wack a mole' concept popping up.
My emotions are coming to the surface more. And I can see how an addict would want to go from one addiction to the next, as I have, since that's really all we have know how to take care of these painful emotions.
The wedding is in about ten days. I'm excited about it. It's wearing Motown Girl down quite a bit. She's a bit anxious to begin with, I think, and she has a severe bronchitis going on and the combo is not going well for her.
I, on the other hand, am enjoying some good health--thank G-d--but I've been working my new job with really long hours and I've been doing things like procrastinating some paperwork that needs to be done before I leave town a week from tomorrow.
I'd like to commit, just for today, to another day of sobriety, to another day of effort of improving myself at work, to another day of being a good father, to another day of doing the right thing, one day at a time.
G-d help me, and help my lovely bride to be. I know neither of us can do this alone...
That's what addiction is like for me. I tackled some of the compulsive behaviors I've faced over the years that were most harmful, like the Internet porn addiction, the compulsive spending, the really, really bad compulsive eating, and the compulsive use of prostitutes and pornography.
But there's been this smouldering level of overeating that's been ongoing since forever, no matter what period of my life I've been in. I've gain and lost hundreds upon hundreds of pounds over the years, many of those times were literally all at once.
Let's see--early college years, I lost about a hundred pounds. I gained it back during the first marriage and when I got divorced and started seeing hookers.
I lost a hundred pounds when I stopped seeing hookers and became a more observant Jew and met my 2nd wife.
I gained and lost fifty pounds at least twice in the first few years of our marriage from binges and then fad diets.
From the time we decided to move to the Northwest to my heaviest, I gained another hundred pounds--over about a year's time--and since then I've only lost about forty of it.
It's stayed on partly because I work out with weight a little bit and so that keeps the heavier muscle mass on me, but primarily, it's because I eat more than I need to, so I maintain about 290 pounds of body on a skeleton that should have about a total of 175 pounds around it.
Lately I've been going to OA meetings and I actually have my most successful (sobrietywise) SA sponsees as my OA sponsor. He's coming up on two years of SA sobriety and he has lost about a hundred pounds or so in OA and that's inside of a year.
So now that I've started following abstinent meals and planning my food for the next day, I've discovered the 'wack a mole' concept popping up.
My emotions are coming to the surface more. And I can see how an addict would want to go from one addiction to the next, as I have, since that's really all we have know how to take care of these painful emotions.
The wedding is in about ten days. I'm excited about it. It's wearing Motown Girl down quite a bit. She's a bit anxious to begin with, I think, and she has a severe bronchitis going on and the combo is not going well for her.
I, on the other hand, am enjoying some good health--thank G-d--but I've been working my new job with really long hours and I've been doing things like procrastinating some paperwork that needs to be done before I leave town a week from tomorrow.
I'd like to commit, just for today, to another day of sobriety, to another day of effort of improving myself at work, to another day of being a good father, to another day of doing the right thing, one day at a time.
G-d help me, and help my lovely bride to be. I know neither of us can do this alone...
Monday, April 13, 2009
Passover and Sex Addiction: Breaking Free Whilst Eating the Bread of Affliction
The irony just doesn't stop, but it's G-d who's in control and sometimes I forget that. That's when I run into trouble.
Why did I have to run into trouble on a high holy day?
It was defective thinking, as usual...
Mom was visiting from So Cal and so was Motown Girl. We all went to the kids' birthday party--I think that was the last post or so.
Since then, Mom left and MG actually stayed here in my condo--thinking error numero uno. She stayed in my bedroom and I stayed in the guest room. We did well for two weeks. Absolutely no problems.
Then came Passover. A time when the Spirit is to be cleansed of all haughtiness by cleaning out the 'chametz' (dough and sugars that can rise) which can also be looked at as a metaphor for arrogance in our lives.
How ironic that the room we decided to put the chametz in pushed me into the extra bed in the bedroom where she was staying--GIGANTIC thinking error number two.
It was all down hill from there. We did okay for another 48 hours and the rest, as they say...
The Rabbi said if I had trouble with my sobriety anymore he'd 'find it difficult' marrying us from here. He didn't say he wouldn't. There was no clear cut ultimatum. But I think he wanted my mind to make a clear boundary, as did I.
He also noted that I should tell my local rabbi instead of him, 2000 miles away, about sobriety breaks, as this will make it more difficult to face such problems in the future.
As it stands, I have one more night here with MG and then she's staying with a friend in a different part of town until she leaves the state and then we get married (G-d willing).
MG is having anxiety fits over whether or not we're actually going to get married at this point since she feels we blew it so bad this time. Yes, she realizes we're both at fault, as do I, but it feels like we're both accepting this higher level of accountability, while at the same time clearly not reaching the level of observance.
The simple answer for us would have been to never be alone together and neither of us were willing to follow that or this wouldn't have happened. What can I say? It takes two to tango.
At this point, I've decided to continue to live my life in recovery and not give up what I have. I also want to do what I can to protect MG from suffering more of the emotional damage that this can cause than she has to. I know she's a big girl and she has to suffer consequences as much as I do, but I have an unusually high tolerance for this scrutiny in light of the problems I've had in my community and around seeing my kids. I don't think subjecting her to this shame is going to serve her positively and it is work she can do with her therapist in a controlled environment if she needs to.
The plan is to tell the local rabbi about our indiscretions in a week, after she leaves. Then I'll likely conference call with my Midwest Rabbi.
MG's biggest fear is that the Midwest Rav will cancel his involvement in our wedding and/or forbid us from marrying, which is all but an impossibility knowing our faith and knowing him. I think he gave me the 'ultimatum', which really wasn't an ultimatum, because he just didn't know what to do with a powerless sex addict who makes bad decisions around these things.
As my support group has said, at least I'm not out there getting hookers, on the internet or looking at child porn. And that's true.
One could also say at least I'm not committing any number of other heinous crimes as well, but it doesn't take away the problem, that I'm powerless over my lust and that I know I recognized signs of being 'in cycle' well before this happened. I knew once MG said she'd stay here with my Mom that there was a likelihood she and I would be together again before the wedding. I didn't know exactly how, but I figured it could happen, and it did, like I thought it might.
So the bottom line is as usual, I continue to struggle, I continue to look for help, I continue to pray for guidance and I hope that the One Above has forgiveness.
As usual, I'm looking forward to Yom Kippur this year...
Why did I have to run into trouble on a high holy day?
It was defective thinking, as usual...
Mom was visiting from So Cal and so was Motown Girl. We all went to the kids' birthday party--I think that was the last post or so.
Since then, Mom left and MG actually stayed here in my condo--thinking error numero uno. She stayed in my bedroom and I stayed in the guest room. We did well for two weeks. Absolutely no problems.
Then came Passover. A time when the Spirit is to be cleansed of all haughtiness by cleaning out the 'chametz' (dough and sugars that can rise) which can also be looked at as a metaphor for arrogance in our lives.
How ironic that the room we decided to put the chametz in pushed me into the extra bed in the bedroom where she was staying--GIGANTIC thinking error number two.
It was all down hill from there. We did okay for another 48 hours and the rest, as they say...
The Rabbi said if I had trouble with my sobriety anymore he'd 'find it difficult' marrying us from here. He didn't say he wouldn't. There was no clear cut ultimatum. But I think he wanted my mind to make a clear boundary, as did I.
He also noted that I should tell my local rabbi instead of him, 2000 miles away, about sobriety breaks, as this will make it more difficult to face such problems in the future.
As it stands, I have one more night here with MG and then she's staying with a friend in a different part of town until she leaves the state and then we get married (G-d willing).
MG is having anxiety fits over whether or not we're actually going to get married at this point since she feels we blew it so bad this time. Yes, she realizes we're both at fault, as do I, but it feels like we're both accepting this higher level of accountability, while at the same time clearly not reaching the level of observance.
The simple answer for us would have been to never be alone together and neither of us were willing to follow that or this wouldn't have happened. What can I say? It takes two to tango.
At this point, I've decided to continue to live my life in recovery and not give up what I have. I also want to do what I can to protect MG from suffering more of the emotional damage that this can cause than she has to. I know she's a big girl and she has to suffer consequences as much as I do, but I have an unusually high tolerance for this scrutiny in light of the problems I've had in my community and around seeing my kids. I don't think subjecting her to this shame is going to serve her positively and it is work she can do with her therapist in a controlled environment if she needs to.
The plan is to tell the local rabbi about our indiscretions in a week, after she leaves. Then I'll likely conference call with my Midwest Rabbi.
MG's biggest fear is that the Midwest Rav will cancel his involvement in our wedding and/or forbid us from marrying, which is all but an impossibility knowing our faith and knowing him. I think he gave me the 'ultimatum', which really wasn't an ultimatum, because he just didn't know what to do with a powerless sex addict who makes bad decisions around these things.
As my support group has said, at least I'm not out there getting hookers, on the internet or looking at child porn. And that's true.
One could also say at least I'm not committing any number of other heinous crimes as well, but it doesn't take away the problem, that I'm powerless over my lust and that I know I recognized signs of being 'in cycle' well before this happened. I knew once MG said she'd stay here with my Mom that there was a likelihood she and I would be together again before the wedding. I didn't know exactly how, but I figured it could happen, and it did, like I thought it might.
So the bottom line is as usual, I continue to struggle, I continue to look for help, I continue to pray for guidance and I hope that the One Above has forgiveness.
As usual, I'm looking forward to Yom Kippur this year...
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Countertransferance, Love and Psychosis, and Emotional Immaturity: Another week goes by for the Sex Addict
And might I add that it's been a sober week? If I make it to April Fool's day, appropriately, it will be my one month of sobriety. It will also be one day shy of nine years to the day that I was married to my second wife.
Just to tie up the last post in a neat little bow, I confronted the group leader last week during our session. I said that I while I am displaying the obstinate lover's attitude to steam ahead with my decision to marry my fiance without delay and without considering the groupthink that I should at least hold off for some time, I felt that he was letting my decision somehow affect him personally.
Interestingly enough, without going into any detail at all, he admitted that he experienced 'countertransferance' and apologized and said he'd watch himself and his responses more carefully.
I felt better about it and I think the group did too. It just felt weird to see how many of us addicts go to the meeting each week, get some input and then often come back ignoring it and we're still embraced by the group, albeit chastised lovingly. That didn't seem to be the case with my decision, but I feel better now that he admitted something else was brewing there for him.
Meanwhile, Motown Girl came back to the Northwest followoing our visit to Motown and my introduction to her family. That went well overall. I enjoyed meeting her family and friends and felt that it reassured me that she's a good person at heart, as many people showed up to our celebrations and shared many stories about her goodness and kindness.
Last week I began my new position with my company and the workload was extemely light, which was alarming to the company but was a relief to me, since it was all new and it was a stress to be working in a foreign environment.
To top it off, MG came in from Detroit and my Mom came in the next day, and all of us stayed together in the condo.
What I learned from this past four days together was that MG is having a hard time keeping herself on a sleep schedule when she's stressed, jet lagged and she's having a tough time staying neat and organized.
My Mom, as usual, is having a tough time finding a filter between her brain and her mouth and she's telling me how much I need to lose weight and how sloppy MG is.
Today we went to my twins birthday party, attended by my former in-laws, the kids' mom, their step dad and all of their close friends. I didn't invite anyone as I really don't have any friends with small kids and I already felt extremely awkward being the supposed pedophile at a kids birthday party.
So there we were, at a gymnastics facility with party rooms and about sixty 4 and 5 year olds between three parties and I'm 'allowed' to be there 'unsupervised'.
Mind you, I'm not a registered sex offender, have never offended a kid, and my crimes have included looking at objectionable material on the internet more than three years ago and inviting a child to participate in masturbation about 27 years ago when I was around 11 or 12.
Nevertheless, my ex wife for sure knows about that, and evidently she told her family and perhaps some other people some degree about my need for supervision around children.
So it felt a bit strange and shaming to be in the presence of all of these friends of the Ex's and her family's, with me and my Mom and my fiance standing off away from 'their' group. And there I was taking pictures of my kids.
Or was I?
Yes, I was, but did they know that? And what about the peripubescent teens who were the party instructors? Were they informed to be careful around me? I'm not sure. I didn't stare at them. I did catch a glimpse of them, noting that they were young and pretty, but I didn't objectify them.
I wonder if any of the other dads did. I wonder if my Ex's dad did. Or if her husband did.
It doesn't matter.
It took many Serenity Prayers to get me to say 'Hello' to my ex in-laws, particularly the ex mother-in-law.
One of the biggest problems I have with seeing her is that she was right about me. She knew that my first marriage was a disaster and wanted to know what I'd done to rectify things. The answer was 'nothing'. And I wasn't willing to look at what the truth was, that I was a sex addict and that I need serious recovery work.
The fact that I had used their daughter, used their home, their money, their computer and internet service, drank their booze, used their car and drove it drunk if I remember correctly, just makes me feel more shameful.
And I spoke with my sponsor about doing an 8th and 9th step around this with her/them. It was a case of possibly harming myself and/or my children so we decided that I should not, but I definitely owe them apologies and I can never repay the damages I've caused to their daughter and their family.
So living sobriety is the only way to go.
And that's what I'm doing, for today.
I'm feeling like cr*p the last couple of days physically. I think the stress of the new job, the trip to Detroit, the boys' party, Mom coming out here meeting MG, and my place being a mess (which I need to talk about with MG--I can't stand to live in a messy house) is wearing me down. I also think I caught a little cold bug from my kids.
So I'm off to bed, but I have to express my gratitude to the One Above. Despite the difficulties I'm having, and I haven't even mentioned the avalanche of bills that I'm barely able to pay minimum payments on right now, I'm keeping my head above water for the moment....
...one step at a time...
Just to tie up the last post in a neat little bow, I confronted the group leader last week during our session. I said that I while I am displaying the obstinate lover's attitude to steam ahead with my decision to marry my fiance without delay and without considering the groupthink that I should at least hold off for some time, I felt that he was letting my decision somehow affect him personally.
Interestingly enough, without going into any detail at all, he admitted that he experienced 'countertransferance' and apologized and said he'd watch himself and his responses more carefully.
I felt better about it and I think the group did too. It just felt weird to see how many of us addicts go to the meeting each week, get some input and then often come back ignoring it and we're still embraced by the group, albeit chastised lovingly. That didn't seem to be the case with my decision, but I feel better now that he admitted something else was brewing there for him.
Meanwhile, Motown Girl came back to the Northwest followoing our visit to Motown and my introduction to her family. That went well overall. I enjoyed meeting her family and friends and felt that it reassured me that she's a good person at heart, as many people showed up to our celebrations and shared many stories about her goodness and kindness.
Last week I began my new position with my company and the workload was extemely light, which was alarming to the company but was a relief to me, since it was all new and it was a stress to be working in a foreign environment.
To top it off, MG came in from Detroit and my Mom came in the next day, and all of us stayed together in the condo.
What I learned from this past four days together was that MG is having a hard time keeping herself on a sleep schedule when she's stressed, jet lagged and she's having a tough time staying neat and organized.
My Mom, as usual, is having a tough time finding a filter between her brain and her mouth and she's telling me how much I need to lose weight and how sloppy MG is.
Today we went to my twins birthday party, attended by my former in-laws, the kids' mom, their step dad and all of their close friends. I didn't invite anyone as I really don't have any friends with small kids and I already felt extremely awkward being the supposed pedophile at a kids birthday party.
So there we were, at a gymnastics facility with party rooms and about sixty 4 and 5 year olds between three parties and I'm 'allowed' to be there 'unsupervised'.
Mind you, I'm not a registered sex offender, have never offended a kid, and my crimes have included looking at objectionable material on the internet more than three years ago and inviting a child to participate in masturbation about 27 years ago when I was around 11 or 12.
Nevertheless, my ex wife for sure knows about that, and evidently she told her family and perhaps some other people some degree about my need for supervision around children.
So it felt a bit strange and shaming to be in the presence of all of these friends of the Ex's and her family's, with me and my Mom and my fiance standing off away from 'their' group. And there I was taking pictures of my kids.
Or was I?
Yes, I was, but did they know that? And what about the peripubescent teens who were the party instructors? Were they informed to be careful around me? I'm not sure. I didn't stare at them. I did catch a glimpse of them, noting that they were young and pretty, but I didn't objectify them.
I wonder if any of the other dads did. I wonder if my Ex's dad did. Or if her husband did.
It doesn't matter.
It took many Serenity Prayers to get me to say 'Hello' to my ex in-laws, particularly the ex mother-in-law.
One of the biggest problems I have with seeing her is that she was right about me. She knew that my first marriage was a disaster and wanted to know what I'd done to rectify things. The answer was 'nothing'. And I wasn't willing to look at what the truth was, that I was a sex addict and that I need serious recovery work.
The fact that I had used their daughter, used their home, their money, their computer and internet service, drank their booze, used their car and drove it drunk if I remember correctly, just makes me feel more shameful.
And I spoke with my sponsor about doing an 8th and 9th step around this with her/them. It was a case of possibly harming myself and/or my children so we decided that I should not, but I definitely owe them apologies and I can never repay the damages I've caused to their daughter and their family.
So living sobriety is the only way to go.
And that's what I'm doing, for today.
I'm feeling like cr*p the last couple of days physically. I think the stress of the new job, the trip to Detroit, the boys' party, Mom coming out here meeting MG, and my place being a mess (which I need to talk about with MG--I can't stand to live in a messy house) is wearing me down. I also think I caught a little cold bug from my kids.
So I'm off to bed, but I have to express my gratitude to the One Above. Despite the difficulties I'm having, and I haven't even mentioned the avalanche of bills that I'm barely able to pay minimum payments on right now, I'm keeping my head above water for the moment....
...one step at a time...
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Which Sex Addict Knows Best?
I've always admired my group leader. I trust him. I like him.
I'm going to miss him.
Yesterday he told the group he's transfering his family to the Midwest, not far from where I have my roots. It was surprising news on some level, but I'd known that it's always a possibility that he'd leave our group, as it is for any of us.
What made yesterday's session a bit more 'interesting' than usual, and this year a bit more flavorful than usual, is that I had gone from Super Sobriety Man to Dating Man to Engaged Acting Out Againts My Morals Man in a short several week period.
I think what's more alarming to my group, and this is all they have to go on, is what I have shared with them about my fiance, the Motown Girl.
She's also an Orthodox Jew, but returned from a life of lesser observance about five years ago. During that time, she's continued to have personal struggles with relationships, including having a relationship with a recently divorced Orthodox Jewish man who was about 20 years her senior and she had a full on sexual relationship with him--totally unacceptable by 'kosher standards, but nonetheless, nothing that hasn't been done before by many, including myself, unfortunately.
She had another relationship with a bit of a kook, to say the least, who was an older guy by about ten years from a wealthy family who is living off his family and doing recreational drugs 'for a living'. Evidently she was his 'first' sexual relationship and, again, she had a full on sexual relationship with him. She also dabbled some in recreational drugs 'a few times with him', smoking pot on occasion and using psychedelic mushrooms I think once or twice.
While that sounds pretty out there, I've done the same thing, albeit in my twenties and well before I was a professional and had children. It's a risky behavior I'd never engage in at this point.
And yet I picked up hookers on the street and looked at porn that was ostensibly illegal on the internet. Make sense?
I digress...
So Motown Girl also has had some compulsive overeating problems and problems with bulemia. She's never been in counseling for these things directly. She's 'just stopped'.
She says she's coninuing some degree of counseling for her ADD and that's been ongoing on a monthly basis for over a year it seems. I'm not sure how much that includes talking about the details of anything about how much she's had trouble focusing, knowing how psychiatrists operate these days in a lot of cases.
MG recently disclosed to me that her brother, who is also adopted, and her had a consensual ongoing sexual relationship between the ages of about 9 and perhaps 11. He's around 9 months younger. She didn't go into detail about it. They certainly don't talk about this. She says she's told no one about this. Until now.
When she and I came to this advanced level of disclosure and prior to getting engaged, I had insisted that we go into couples counseling and individual counseling indefinitely if we were going to make a marriage work.
The fact that we accepted each other where we were at and were willing to do this, in my estimation, and the approval of our rabbinical support, was enough for me to go ahead with getting engaged.
The sexual indiscretions with her have been very problematic to my recovery work, affecting my relations with my 12 step support, with my rabbi, and with my moral compass.
Gratefully, I've remained honest and in the light about what's going on, but it doesn't make it better. I still compromised my morals by having sex with my fiance and disappointed myself, my rabbi and went against some central tenets of my religion.
All of this information really seems to have rattled the cage of my departing group leader and my group, who kind of put discussion of my personal life in group on a hiatus for six weeks after it was clear that I was bull headed about my decision and I seemed unwilling to listen to anyone's counsel.
Yesterday, in the midst of our usual group dynamic, the leader announced he's leaving us around the time I'm getting married. Then he asked me to share an update of what's going on in my engagement, despite his suggestion that I just allow the group to 'listen' and 'be supportive' since I didn't seem open to any counsel--which is true.
So I shared. And they called me to the carpet, saying that I should be at the very least postponing my wedding and getting into some heavy duty counseling with my fiance prior to the event and consider allowing that counsel to influence whether I go forward with the marriage.
I'd said, in no uncertain terms, that I'd been through this with my rabbi and that I'd decided I'm moving forward. It's a done deal. The wedding is in mid May. The engagement party is in Motown this weekend and is costing me a few thousand bucks. I just bought my fiance a minivan.
While these financial commitments are the same ones that a divorce, G-d forbid, would have to undo, I don't feel strongly enough about these concerns that we need to postpone the wedding.
We really want to have kids. We really want to be together again. We both feel we're fortunate to have accepted one another. We're both [saying] we're willing to work on ourselves and each other. And let me emphasize that I pray that this is true--I've worked recovery long and hard for almost three years. I don't want to throw mine away and I don't want to burn my precious time in life up with someone who is sick and who is just paying lip service now but who is going back to acting out and who's going to hurt herself and my family down the line. That would be the ultimate nightmare, and I get that this is what my friends in group are telling me to wait for.
But I'm receiving counsel from a trusted source to go ahead and I want to go ahead. I am scared but I'm going on some degree of Faith, Faith in the Higher Power that I will keep my eyes open and live the serenity prayer day by day.
No one wants to get hurt her. Not me, not motown girl, not my group leader, not my rabbi, not the ex wife.
Everyone wants to look out for themselves, their families and their friends, and if they see someone walking across the street and a car is coming, they want to yell "Get out of the way! Watch out!".
My contention: I'm at the cross walk, the light says walk, I'm looking both ways, and I'm being cautious. There may be some drunk driver who barrels around the corner and takes me out, but that's out of my hands. There may be a reckless person coming down the street who hits me, but same deal, out of my hands.
I think it will be interesting to see what happens. If you go by pure 'logic' and 'common sense', my marriage is doomed even before it starts. We're two addicts, one barely in recovery, one never in recovery, diving head first into a marriage. It's her second marriage, my third.
I'll continue the play by play here if I can...should be interesting...
I'm going to miss him.
Yesterday he told the group he's transfering his family to the Midwest, not far from where I have my roots. It was surprising news on some level, but I'd known that it's always a possibility that he'd leave our group, as it is for any of us.
What made yesterday's session a bit more 'interesting' than usual, and this year a bit more flavorful than usual, is that I had gone from Super Sobriety Man to Dating Man to Engaged Acting Out Againts My Morals Man in a short several week period.
I think what's more alarming to my group, and this is all they have to go on, is what I have shared with them about my fiance, the Motown Girl.
She's also an Orthodox Jew, but returned from a life of lesser observance about five years ago. During that time, she's continued to have personal struggles with relationships, including having a relationship with a recently divorced Orthodox Jewish man who was about 20 years her senior and she had a full on sexual relationship with him--totally unacceptable by 'kosher standards, but nonetheless, nothing that hasn't been done before by many, including myself, unfortunately.
She had another relationship with a bit of a kook, to say the least, who was an older guy by about ten years from a wealthy family who is living off his family and doing recreational drugs 'for a living'. Evidently she was his 'first' sexual relationship and, again, she had a full on sexual relationship with him. She also dabbled some in recreational drugs 'a few times with him', smoking pot on occasion and using psychedelic mushrooms I think once or twice.
While that sounds pretty out there, I've done the same thing, albeit in my twenties and well before I was a professional and had children. It's a risky behavior I'd never engage in at this point.
And yet I picked up hookers on the street and looked at porn that was ostensibly illegal on the internet. Make sense?
I digress...
So Motown Girl also has had some compulsive overeating problems and problems with bulemia. She's never been in counseling for these things directly. She's 'just stopped'.
She says she's coninuing some degree of counseling for her ADD and that's been ongoing on a monthly basis for over a year it seems. I'm not sure how much that includes talking about the details of anything about how much she's had trouble focusing, knowing how psychiatrists operate these days in a lot of cases.
MG recently disclosed to me that her brother, who is also adopted, and her had a consensual ongoing sexual relationship between the ages of about 9 and perhaps 11. He's around 9 months younger. She didn't go into detail about it. They certainly don't talk about this. She says she's told no one about this. Until now.
When she and I came to this advanced level of disclosure and prior to getting engaged, I had insisted that we go into couples counseling and individual counseling indefinitely if we were going to make a marriage work.
The fact that we accepted each other where we were at and were willing to do this, in my estimation, and the approval of our rabbinical support, was enough for me to go ahead with getting engaged.
The sexual indiscretions with her have been very problematic to my recovery work, affecting my relations with my 12 step support, with my rabbi, and with my moral compass.
Gratefully, I've remained honest and in the light about what's going on, but it doesn't make it better. I still compromised my morals by having sex with my fiance and disappointed myself, my rabbi and went against some central tenets of my religion.
All of this information really seems to have rattled the cage of my departing group leader and my group, who kind of put discussion of my personal life in group on a hiatus for six weeks after it was clear that I was bull headed about my decision and I seemed unwilling to listen to anyone's counsel.
Yesterday, in the midst of our usual group dynamic, the leader announced he's leaving us around the time I'm getting married. Then he asked me to share an update of what's going on in my engagement, despite his suggestion that I just allow the group to 'listen' and 'be supportive' since I didn't seem open to any counsel--which is true.
So I shared. And they called me to the carpet, saying that I should be at the very least postponing my wedding and getting into some heavy duty counseling with my fiance prior to the event and consider allowing that counsel to influence whether I go forward with the marriage.
I'd said, in no uncertain terms, that I'd been through this with my rabbi and that I'd decided I'm moving forward. It's a done deal. The wedding is in mid May. The engagement party is in Motown this weekend and is costing me a few thousand bucks. I just bought my fiance a minivan.
While these financial commitments are the same ones that a divorce, G-d forbid, would have to undo, I don't feel strongly enough about these concerns that we need to postpone the wedding.
We really want to have kids. We really want to be together again. We both feel we're fortunate to have accepted one another. We're both [saying] we're willing to work on ourselves and each other. And let me emphasize that I pray that this is true--I've worked recovery long and hard for almost three years. I don't want to throw mine away and I don't want to burn my precious time in life up with someone who is sick and who is just paying lip service now but who is going back to acting out and who's going to hurt herself and my family down the line. That would be the ultimate nightmare, and I get that this is what my friends in group are telling me to wait for.
But I'm receiving counsel from a trusted source to go ahead and I want to go ahead. I am scared but I'm going on some degree of Faith, Faith in the Higher Power that I will keep my eyes open and live the serenity prayer day by day.
No one wants to get hurt her. Not me, not motown girl, not my group leader, not my rabbi, not the ex wife.
Everyone wants to look out for themselves, their families and their friends, and if they see someone walking across the street and a car is coming, they want to yell "Get out of the way! Watch out!".
My contention: I'm at the cross walk, the light says walk, I'm looking both ways, and I'm being cautious. There may be some drunk driver who barrels around the corner and takes me out, but that's out of my hands. There may be a reckless person coming down the street who hits me, but same deal, out of my hands.
I think it will be interesting to see what happens. If you go by pure 'logic' and 'common sense', my marriage is doomed even before it starts. We're two addicts, one barely in recovery, one never in recovery, diving head first into a marriage. It's her second marriage, my third.
I'll continue the play by play here if I can...should be interesting...
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